A WORK IN PROGRESS...

I don’t like asking for help.

When I was growing up, {living w/my real Mom} I did everything by myself and for myself. I woke myself up in the mornings for school, got dressed and fed on my own and even made it to school w/out any assistance from an adult. When I got home, I was fed, homework done and ready for bed- without any assistance.

I spent the majority of my childhood being independent. I had to learn at a very early age that there’s no obligation for anyone to do a single thing for you.

If I need something- I need to figure out how to get it done--- on my own.

My mindset has adapted to think that people that can’t provide or do things for themselves are helpless. {It’s harsh- I know. But don’t get me wrong, I’m talking about well able bodies.}

There are two situations at the current moment that are really testing my patience.

Although, I’ve dedicated my life and career to serving people- it’s from a “teach them to fish” philosophy; “buy a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.”

Situation Number 1: I do not like to let people borrow/have “things”. I also don’t like TO BORROW things, myself. I always feel extremely guilty when someone buys or gives me something really nice. Maybe it’s b/c I don’t know how to express my gratitude--- or maybe it’s b/c I don’t want said person thinking that I’m incapable of providing/doing for myself.

The situation has presented itself to “help someone” by giving them something b/c we “have it” to give. We have two incomes, so we should be able to offer assistance to someone else. In my opinion, it’s the beginning of the end. Helping, in this particular fashion, sets the tone (for a lifetime) that this is an acceptable standard. My issue is not w/the person {LOVE that person to death}… it’s the concept that it’s okay to ask for “things” on a regular basis.

But if we say no (for whatever reason)… then I have to sit around and feel guilty about what we’re actually doing w/it that we weren’t able to give/lend it. If it’s money; whether it be, paying bills, getting a pedicure or going out to eat every day of the week…. I worked 80 hours a pay period to earn that money- so I should be able to do w/it what I want. {SIDENOTE: I don’t even like to let people borrow my DVDs!!!!}

Am I being selfish b/c I don’t’ like to let people borrow things?

I don’t think so, but not everyone agrees. I think I can attribute this to the fact that growing up, I didn’t have my own things so I may tend to be a little possisive over what I do have now {with reason}.

AGAIN… this is NOT w/everything….

Situation Number 2: PRIME EXAMPLE of why I don’t like to borrow things or ask for help.

I am borrowing something. It literally took everything that I had to even ask in the first place. I’d rather be HUGELY inconvenienced times a million, than to ask someone to help me. Joe is ALWAYS my first resort (and of course, I am shis.)… but there was nothing he could do.

So I asked to borrow something for 5 days. Today is day 1 and I’ve spent the entire day in tears b/c the borrower has literally cut me down to the dirt. I’ve apologized multiple times for my offense, but it’s taken w/a grain of salt.

A few things to point out: (1) When my offense was made, I swear to you- there were 3 bad options presented, I picked option C and the borrower flew off the handle. I have NEVER been belittled by anyone they way that I was today.

A lot of angry words were exchanged, “You shouldn’t even be here! I was so mad at you this morning that I couldn’t even text or call you! I cannot stand to look at you right now!!!!”

This awkwardly happened in front of about 20 other people but half of them in perfect hearing range to the royal chewing out that I’d just received. I spent the remaining hour covering my face and whipping tears from under my sunglasses.

Even while said borrower was talking, I was apologizing the entire time…. but my apology fell to deaf ears.

I couldn’t/can’t get the incident out of my head so I went 1 step further and sent an apology email.

The borrower continued to rip me a new one, and concluded the last lines of the response email with, “What you did was not right. It was selfish and inconsiderate. Enjoy your day.”

I promise…. that I considered all three options before I chose option C. I was already being a nuisance and trying to disturb as little as possible… and my choice caused the borrower to fly off the handle. When I chose option C, I honesty did consider the ramifications of both A & B and C seemed like the best option of the 3.

NOW… I feel indebted to said borrower. Now, I want to return that in which I have borrowed, but I borrowed it for a reason and there is no other way.

BUT THIS IS PART OF WHY I DON’T LIKE TO BE A BORROWER!!!!!!

When your intentions are pure and someone says that what you did was wrong, selfish and inconsiderate- it has a tendency to burn juuuust a little.

(2) What I did was NOT wrong, selfish nor inconsiderate. It may have been inconvenient but something cannot be considered wrong, selfish or inconsiderate if the intentions were coming from sincerity… which mine were.

I would educate the borrower on my perspective however; over the past month I have backed down waaaay more than is accustomed for me to do so…. because I am making honest efforts to “work on me.” I am a constant work in progress and this particular situation is a test of my growth.

I do bible devotions two times a day, from two different sources. I don’t do them every single day like I should, but it’s at least a few times a week.

September and October (FROM DIFFERENT SOURCES) have delivered the same principles.

(1) Practice humility.
(2) You don’t always have to be right.
(3) Live a peace w/those around you.
The morale: Avoid disharmony. It opens the door for evil to manifest in your life.

… so what next?

I have no idea.

Trying to put the principles into practice just makes me feel like less of a person b/c I’m not standing up for myself or what I believe to be fair and true. It’s obvious that I have to find a balance, but this is very new for me. However, I get the grave notion that when it comes to my spirit and what I (Tiffany Jewell Flenoy) believe to be honest and fair… is not what God says is right.

I desire more of Him and less of me and if this is the only way- then it is, what it is.

~~~~~~The bible says that if you have it, give it…. and if they ask more of you- give them more. Your blessings come from God. If you take care of His people, He will take care of you.

The bible says that God knows your heart and He has the final say.

…………………………and you wonder why I consider myself to be dysfunctional.